by Tabitha Blankenbiller
How to Get That Nuclear Winter Look from 1600 Penn to Your Own Den! Are you looking for the Instagrammiest #holidaywin for 2017? Come on down to the Lancaster Mall Hobby Lobby, where we can help you recreate the yuletide look-of-the-moment for your house! If you’ve been
searching for #nightmareforest #UpsideDownChristmasTown #TimBurtonMinusWhimsy decorations on Pinterest, you’re likely as Cherno-bowled over by Lady of Winterfell Melania Trump’s Christmas scheme as we are. While we remain backordered on enormous decaying clamshell fossils and very specifically white pumpkins from the Thanksgiving holidays, we are stocked and ready to help you recreate A Very Fallout 4 Christmas for your unending corridor, Hall of Unloved Ballerinas, or secret gold-plated bunker. Check back on our Snapchat story throughout the season for daily deals that will bring out the dead-eyed vacant terror in all your nearest and dearest.
For Cyber Monday Deals Week, we’re offering:
Twigs!
Spindly, leafless, sun-bleached as a prized elephant’s bones.
Berlin-Inspired Mini Cement Blocks!
Oppressive and unyielding as our favorite president (Him), to block light and throw an absolutely betwitching shadow-show.
Anti-Fairy Dust!
Remind those pesky snowflake ballerinas how much they’ll be liable now for that shortsighted MFA in Dance.
White Flocking!
It’s not that you’re saying white trees are better, they simply deserve their own special sanctuary here away from the evergreen riff-raff.
Red Pill Candy Canes!
What’s more charming than an apothecary jar arrangement of everyone’s favorite candy? A candy
cane that reminds all those Normies that Sandy Hook was an inside job!
Distant, Unreachable Christmas Tree
At the end of death’s hallway stands a gilded Tanenbaum. Watch as the proles become increasingly bewildered and exhausted as the goalpost moves further and further beyond their grasp, while enjoying peppermint marshmallow cocoa.
The Roast Beast!
The finest steak America’s heartland has to offer, cooked down to jerky and served with a heaping goblet of Heinz ketchup.
Camouflage Gear!
Giving the world a glimpse of its impending eternal doomscape can be exhausting—enjoy the fleshless, stillborn fruits of your labors from the corners of your home in a coordinating unembellished robe, allowing you to skulk in the bleak nothingness unbothered, unseen, and un-indicted.
You may not have created this trend. You may not have wanted it. But you are certainly complicit in its normalization, proliferation, and destruction of our political and cultural norms. Enjoy feathering that nest, and don't forget to tag #ChristmasWin for a chance to be featured without credit on the Hobby Lobby blog!
A reminder that holiday special stock is limited to inventory on hand and availability will vary by store. Pricing is subject to change in case of world war, failed tax plan retribution, that day’s received Tweets, or if you are Tiffany.