This is a piece from our online issue, FALL OF MEN, inspired by the New York Review of Books.
CONTENT WARNING FOR FALL OF MEN : Despite the conclusions of the bad men falling in the end, some of these pieces may have sensitive or explicit content. (That said, it might be real cathartic to read a thing where the bad men get thrown into volcanoes or eaten by alligators. Either way, your mental health is really important to us. Take care of yourself!)
BY WENDY WIMMER
Kickstart the only Volcano Detox you’ll ever need – it’s so easy to follow!
Don’t forget: Wear sunscreen! A very good BB Crème with a full spectrum SPF to prevent skin cancer in the future but more importantly, unsightly premature age spots and wrinkles. Don’t overdo the make up – the main focus should be on your health and self-care, and plying on foundation won’t give your skin the opportunity to take in some of those restorative sulfur compounds in the volcanic ash.
Instagram Ready! This is also a great opportunity to get some great scenery shots while in a beautiful location for your Instagram account (Click here to check out the stunning photos from Rhianna’s cleanse she performed with ex Chris Brown). We’ve seen quite a few stunning shots that would be perfect for an update to your Tinder profile -- those new suitors won’t swipe left when they see how fit and healthy you are. Depending on how you much you’ve shared with your man, you may even ask him to take the photo – but don’t forget to do it on the way up or you’ll miss your chance for the perfect lighting and flattering angles!
Get Physical: Use resistance training when hiking the inclines – by keeping your gluts tight, you can strengthen your core and decrease that aggravating jiggle. Some choose to bring resistance bands, ankle weights or run up the incline to increase the heart-healthy potential of the incline.
Eat Right: Depending on the size of the volcano you’ve chosen, you may want to pack a light lunch for yourself (Check out our Quinoa Mango and Black Bean vegan cold salad recipe). Bonus: You can use the empty reusable containers to stash some of the beneficial volcanic ash from the summit to make your own DIY face scrubs and bath bombs for the holidays.
Whole/Keto/Paleo-Ready: Replenishing electrolytes is crucial when working out to keep your metabolism burning in the sweet spot for weight loss and toning – experts suggest a calorie-free sport drink, but if you’re a self-starter, this is a great time to kick-start your efforts to purge toxins from your system. When Ke$ha completed her recent cleanse, she relied on a three-pack of green purified greens and cayenne to fuel her journey from Brentwood Spa and Health, but if you’re not handy to LA, whip up a kale and lemon smoothie with a touch of artificial sweetener to provide enough nutrients to keep your muscles burning at peak conditioning while also supplying vitamins to boost a nice healthy skin glow!
Lean In: Consider using your outing as an opportunity to network and increase your professional profile by pairing with a female mentor whose work you admire and can offer tips on how to break through the boys network at the office. She will also come in handy when it’s time to break that glass ceiling – often magma flows crystalize the sand and silica on the high approach to volcanoes so it’s better to work with a partner or even a team of capable, career-savvy women who are striving to cleanse their toxins as well. You can also commiserate on your relationship woes as you climb together – and additional hands are always a good idea if you’re struggling to rid yourself of your own personal baggage.
Dress to Impress! This is Day One of your self-care so dress like the superhero you are destined to become. Wear a supportive bra – no sports bras which tend to flatten our assets, am I right, ladies? We don’t want a uniboob situation! Dress in layers – you’ll know that you’re reaching a good site for your toxic cleanse when the temperatures start escalating over 100 degrees, so you’ll definitely want to shed clothes. One personal trainer to the stars who we cannot name (but rumor is that she recently cleansed Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and Mel Gibson) often completes her cleanses by leading a Bikram yoga class at the summit with other lavathletes. (Click here to check out photos of Jennifer Garner at the summit of Kilauea on her last vacation with Ben Affleck!)
Don’t Over Do It: Some volcanoes have multiple cones and fissures – it is not necessary to ascend to the absolute top of an active volcano for your cleanse, particularly if pyroclastic flow is making it difficult or impossible. It is crucial that you do not put yourself or your team in harm’s way for the sake of toxin cleansing – even if it takes three or four attempts or you need to try another volcanic eruption, the most important part of your cleanse is the process and your own journey of self-care. Don’t rush things. When the time is perfect to complete your cleanse, your toxin may beg for his life or try to overpower you, which is why it’s a good idea to also bring a cattle prod or a stunning device. Sometimes drugs like GHB, rohypnol and benzodiazapine are appropriate to use for a toxin cleanse, particularly if the toxic person has used such tranquilizing agents as part of their own agenda, but be aware that it may make your toxin tired or sluggish – ideally they will walk up the volcano of their own power.
Savor The Journey: When the time is right, don’t rush to flush your toxins. This is part of your journey – take the time to explain to him what is happening and why he is being cleansed. Details are crucial here – don’t gloss over the ways that he has harmed your health and impacted your happiness. It may be helpful to write down a short list on notecards in preparation for your cleanse in the comfort of your bedroom. Toxic side effects to include are voting records, objectification, pedophilia, gaslighting, sexual assault, and maybe simply a film director who only casts female love interests who are forty years younger than the male leads.
The Volcolonic: When you’re ready, it’s time to push through your toxin cleanse – shove as cleanly as you can to avoid any unseemly Tolkein-esque clutching to the magma tubes. If the toxin has given you any physical tokens such as floss-like lingerie, throw them into the lava as well. Don’t forget to pause for a moment for a selfie – you want to remember this moment as proof that you can accomplish anything.
Click here for Day 2 through 21 of the next steps in our exclusive Detox Diet for the Perfect Summer Bod.
Wendy Wimmer is a Believer Magazine fiction fellow at Black Mountain Institute/University of Nevada Las Vegas. She is the fiction editor of Witness literary journal and the founder of UntitledTown book and author festival in Wisconsin. Her work has been published in Barrelhouse, Blackbird, Per Contra, ANMLY, Drunken Boat, Paper Darts, Non-Binary Review, Salt & Syntax and more, as well as nominated for multiple Pushcart Prizes, AWP Intro to Journal and Best New Voices. She was most recently a featured reader at Believer Fest 2017. She lives in Nevada but her heart remains in the Midwest. Follow her on Twitter @wendywimmer or her very irregular website www.wendywimmer.com .