Tara Laskowski

A Facebook Messenger Conversation between Two Philadelphia Eagles Fans During Super Bowl LII: A Found Poem

By Tara Laskowski and Brian Fitzpatrick

 

February 4, 2018, 6:15 p.m.

 Godspeed, my friend. Godspeed.

 Hope we make it thru this!!

 I still feel the pain from 13 years ago.

This one will hurt more I think
Unless we Win!!

 Yes. Yes it will.
Unless we win.
Could we possibly win???

 6:27 p.m., just before kickoff

 ......... yes? Yes!

We got this.
Unless I just jinxed it. Sorry.

 7:33 p.m., Eagles touchdown, miss 2-point conversion. Score Eagles 15, Patriots 3

Well some of it is going well

 Omg. What if they are just setting us up for heartbreak???

 Oh that’s a real possibility

I still say we just call it at the half.
If we win, I say we meet in person and buy each other beers or bourbon or coffee or whatever
your drink of choice.

 Def bourbon. I’m gonna need something to take the edge off for a long time

 Perfect. That’s my drink of choice.

 8:06 p.m., Eagles touchdown. Score Eagles 22, Patriots 12.

 Well Foles is a better receiver than brady

 I can’t believe there’s a whole other half. I’m so worn out.

Yeah pls j end it now. I think we can all agree on that right?

 Yep

 8:35 p.m., 2nd half begins

 10 more eagles touchdowns pls

 Uh.. 12 to be safe.
Silver Linings Playbook was such a depressing movie but it makes me happy to see Bradley
Cooper there

8:46 p.m., Patriots touchdown. Score: Eagles 22, Patriots 19

 Fuck

 : /

 9:02 p.m., Eagles touchdown. Play under review.

 They gonna overturn that crap?

 9:07 p.m., Eagles touchdown confirmed. Score: Eagles 29, Patriots 19.

 No!!!

 !!!!!!

 I would’ve torn all of my hair out

 I already lost some

Oh god

 I think my eyebrows are falling out

 9:10 p.m., Patriots touchdown. Score: Eagles 29, Patriots 26.

 Omg I hate the Patriots so much.
Also: shut up announcers about the goddamn td pass

They are the worst
Secondary looks terrible right now

Ughhhhhhhhhhh
Omg they could lose this. Oh god

 I hate this so much.
It’s torture

 It’s the worst Super Bowl I’ve ever watched

 9:25 p.m., Eagles field goal. Score: Eagles 32, Patriots 26.

I feel like every part of my body wants to throw up

 Yes. Wtf????
I feel like a truck ran me over
Six points is so flimsy.

 I have a bad feeling now. They can’t hold them on D. Need a turnover

 The beginning of the end. I’m trying to brace myself for it.

 Me too
Here it comes

 9:35 p.m., Patriots touchdown. Score: Eagles 32, Patriots 33

 [knife emoji]

 [skull emoji]

 If I had any sense I’d just go to sleep now
This is like the part of election night when they started calling states for Trump.

 Exactly

9:47 p.m.

 I can’t take this

 We will score a field goal and leave too much time on the clock.
I’m bleeding all over everything. This is the worst.

 I can see the ending already

 

Whatever happens, Foles has had a hell of a game.
Here we go. Fucking field goal. Fuck this

 

10:01 p.m., Eagles touchdown. Score: Eagles 38, Patriots 33.

 I’m gonna do
Die

 10:03 p.m., Patriots fumble the ball.

Omg
Omg
Omg
Omg

 Omg

 Fucking announcers

 I hate them and their faces

[lots of prayer emojis]
I am flying to Minnesota and strangling the announcers.

 10:12 p.m., Patriots ball. Score: Eagles 41, Patriots 33. 1:05 left in the game.

 I can’t take this!

 I’ve died
I’ll let you know what happens in the afterlife

 I’m dead!

 10:22 p.m., game ends. Score: Eagles 41, Patriots 33.

Omg. I’m sobbing
What kind of bourbon do you like???

 Me too

I feel like we won a goddamn war.

 LETS KILL A BOTTLE OF BLANTONS!

 Oh I’m ready. Let’s do it.

 I’m in!

Omg
This is beautiful

 I can’t believe it
I just can’t

 Still crying

 September 6, 8:59 p.m.

                        Here we go—5 more months of stress.

Submission Guidelines for Letters to Santa

By Tara Laskowski

Prompt, by Bryan Furuness: Submission guidelines for letters to Santa.

submissionguidelines.png

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES FOR LETTERS TO SANTA

Santa's Workshop accepts letters for toy requests, fan mail, original artwork, and poetry. Fan letters, artwork and poetry are accepted year-round. The reading period for toy requests is October 1 to December 24 each year. Letters sent outside of this period will be discarded unread, as our toy shop production schedule shuts down during the months of January through September.

Who Should Submit:

Letter-writers should be ages 12 or under. While we truly appreciate the adult or teen who still believes, toymaking is a thankless job, and our Elves prefer to focus on folks who cannot yet hold down a job and earn money to spend on themselves (so, no, Carl from Trenton, New Jersey, we cannot deliver you a case of Pappy Van Winkle etched with the eight reindeer). However, fan letters from all ages are always welcome.

NOTE: Despite manufacturers claims, Santa's Workshop does not and will not ever have any relationship with Elves on the Shelf. We will not accept letters, requests, or messages from your personal Elf on the Shelf. Elves from any sort of shelf have been prohibited from entering our North Pole property, and any such elf caught trespassing on our grounds will be disposed of by the Abominable Snow Monster.

What to Submit:

Please submit one handwritten letter per season. No electronic submissions, please. Submissions can be in any language—we have Elves who speak fluently in every tongue, from German to Baby Coo.

Content should be heartfelt, genuine, and true. Please send us your best work. We are interested more in letters with one or two very special toy requests, rather than a laundry list of items. We are quite eager for more submissions with requests for toys for people other than the sender.

Please do not send catalogues, coupons, or printed MapQuest directions to stores. These will be ignored and not returned. We are a specialty toymaker, not your personal shopper!

Where to Submit:

Please read carefully! Guidelines have recently changed!

Stamps are not necessary.

Due to the popularity of Santa's Workshop, please direct letters to the proper department for fastest service and response:

  • Address general correspondence to: Santa (or St. Nick), Editor-in-Chief, North Pole.
  • Requests for electronics should be addressed to the Batteries Not Included Department, Elf 7, North Pole.
  • Requests for games, books, or puzzles should be addressed to the Library, Elf 18, North Pole.
  • Requests for dolls, stuffies, doll houses or accessories, building toys, or race/train tracks should be addressed to the Imagination Station, Elf 56, North Pole.
  • Any other gifts or special requests should be addressed to the Experiences Department, Elf 789, North Pole.

Santa's Workshop is an equal-opportunity toymaker and will deliver to all children of the world, regardless of sex, location, income level, race, behavior, or the amount of curlicues, stamps, stickers, hearts, exclamation points, pictures of trees or snowflakes, or different colored crayons used in your submission. Contrary to popular belief, we do not count the number of times 'please' appears in a letter (though we encourage good manners!) and do not cater to begging.

Please note that while we are magic elves, we—and Santa—are really quite busy with our important jobs at the North Pole and do not, no matter what your parents or songs or television shows tell you, watch you while you are asleep. Therefore, there is no need to file a restraining order against us, and no need to log your dream-time as proof of anything—we trust that you are getting the proper amount of REM each night (and hope your parents are, too.)

Other restrictions:

  • We cannot honor requests for autographed photos of Santa.
  • The reindeer, as one group or as individuals, cannot do birthday party or Christmas party appearances, even when the event is mid-week and will be hosted in a building with a runway-like flattop roof (though we appreciate your consideration.)
  • No, we cannot make a time machine out of a DeLorean.
  • Thank you for your suggestions, but we do not agree that elves make delightful doorstops.
  • Though Mrs. Claus blushes with modesty over repeated requests year after year, she simply cannot reveal the secret recipe of her gingerbread cookies.
  • Santa has not, and will not ever, twerk.

Due to the high volume of submissions, we regret that our elves cannot send a personal response to your letter. But know that we carefully read and consider each and every submission to Santa and will try our best to fulfill your every wish and desire or provide a suitable substitution.

Thank you for your submission! We look forward to reading it.

Tara Laskowski is the author of Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons and the forthcoming short story collection Bystanders (Santa Fe Writers Project, May 2016). She has been the editor of SmokeLong Quarterly since 2010, and is a columnist and reviewer for the Washington Independent Review of Books. All she wants for Christmas is a nap.